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Topic : Fun Stuff - JOKES!!!
  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : FISH JOKE, cute and Short

     WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN IT SWAM INTO THE WALL?

     

    DAMN!!

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : 0 to 200 in 60 seconds- This is FUNNYYYYYY

     Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Girls Night Out

     

     
     
    Two girlfriends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the shooters. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Wisdom of a Woman!!

     The Wisdom of a Woman

    A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them several times.

    "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

    The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Toronto Maple Leafs

     

    A little boy needs a new home so Childrens Aid goes to speak with him.

    The worker asks, "Do you want to live with your Aunt"?   The boys replies, "No, my Aunt beats me".  The Aid asks, "Do you want to live with your Dad"? The boys says, "No, my Dad beats me".  The Aid asks, "Who do  you want to live with"?  The little boy replies, "I want to live with the Toronto Maple Leafs because no body beats them!!"

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Joke June 2013

     A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. 
    The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

    The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

    So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

    The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................ 
    "Try doing it with the engine running."

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Hung Like A Horse Joke- PRETTY FUNNY!!

     On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" 

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Looking for a LAUGH!!

     Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...


    10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

    9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 

    8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

    7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

    6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

    5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 

    4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

     
  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : May Joke 2013 Moped and Ferrari

     The Ferrari vs the Moped

    A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

    The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

    The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

    "Sure," replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

    "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

    He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"

    The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?" 
    __________________________________________________ _______

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : June Joke

    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
                                     She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
                                     She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
                                     As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
                                     "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
                                     "Actually, no," he replied.
                                     "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
                                     Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
                                     "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
                                   "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
                     Forefinger across the bartender's lip and  slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
                                     And allowing him to suck them gently.
                                     "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
                                     "Tell him," she whispered,
                                     "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Joke of Week

    If you can start the day without caffeine,

    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

    If you can conquer tension without medical help,

    If you can relax without alcohol,  

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,    


    ...Then You Are Probably  .........

     
     
    The Family Dog!      



     
     

     

    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ……
  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : 3 Lady Joke

    Three Ladies in a Sauna



    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
    BEEP STOPPED.

    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

    WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A
    FAX!!















  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Harley Joke

    A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

    The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

    The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

    The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"

    "Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"

    "Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

    "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

    "Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : GREAT JOKE - Feb, 2011

    An Elderly Italian man who lived by a local church went for confession.

    He said " Father, during World War11, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

     

    The priest replied: "That was a great thing you did and you have no need to confess"!!

    "It's worse than thet father. She started to repay me with sexual favors"

     

    The priest said:" Two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way, but if you are truly sorry, then you are forgiven".

    "Thank you father! That is a great load off my mind, but should I tell her the war is over?"

  • Fun Stuff - JOKES!!! : Crazy Motorcycle Ride Video

    http://www.autoblog.com/2010/09/27/video-moscow-motorcyclists-crazy-high-speed-commute/